Maybe I'm the only person, but of late I've been finding it difficult to manage my relationships.
It's a strange way to start a post since I haven't written one since 2011 :s but *shrugs* ah so it goh! (that's the way it goes).
I feel like I understand the importance of unity and good fellowship (John 17 / Psalm 133 / Proverbs 13:20) but recently that head knowledge hasn't really worked itself out practically in my life.
The thing is, I'm actually surrounded by lots of great people but, to be honest, I've been struggling to break beneath the 'surface' and the practicalities of being part of the church/body of late.
God has even shown me people that I'm meant to fellowship with more closely in my dreams and yet this hasn't really materialised outside of the dream world.
It's hard to explain because it's not that I don't talk to people, I do.
It's not that I'm not willing to be transparent; it's a struggle sometimes, but I am.
It's not as though there's no one around who loves me or for whom I have love, there are many.
Yet c'est dificile et frustrating en general. (excuse my Frenglish, this is genuinely how I speak sometimes)
I think some examples will give a clearer understanding of where I'm at. Here are some things that will generally happen or I will generally do:
- See someone at church or just about and say "we need to catch/link up"... this can happen regularly for up to 365 days before said catch/link up occurs and then up to another 365 days can elapse before the follow up. The frustrating thing is that we would both have had a good/refreshing time :s
- *composes text/tweet/FB message* "You cool bro?/How's it going?" 2-4 text backs later the conversation is done and that proverbial box is ticked. This is frustrating because I know it's pretty dead if you're actually meant to be forming/fueling a 'proper' relationship with someone -_- I annoy myself in doing this but sometimes (transparency) I just can't be bothered to talk to people on the phone and texting is easier and less involved *hangs head in shame*
Even writing this blog I'm seeing how the enemy has been punking me -__-
Shame would have me delete this post and not display my weakness on the internet but maybe someone else is being punk'd too and needs to read it so I'll allow myself to be uncomfortable.
#BunShame
Gabriel spoke to us at EOW's last retreat about how, as Christians, we come across obstacles and analyse them, talk about them, complain about them but don't then overcome them. He gave the analogy of running a race and suddenly there's a chair in your lane. If you was serious about this race you would jump over the chair, dive under it, even kick it out of the way but we just stare at it, acknowledge it and allow it to stop us.
This is partially what I've been doing.
I've been lethargic in being a friend to those whom I consider friends.
"a friend loves at all times and a brother is there for adversity" - Proverbs
I think I have a fresh understanding of this verse. There is a regularity and consistency to friendship that is not necessarily to be found in brotherhood however, a brother is there when needed and in the moment of crisis is faithful. One can be a friend and a brother.
I think I've tried to be a brother but done a poor job of being a friend of late. If someone needs me I try and make myself available and reschedule everything to help that person, I'll take care of what needs to be taken care of and be responsible in that regards but said person probably won't hear from me properly until the next crisis (or birthday or wedding or...)
I guess I'm annoyed with myself for not making the effort to build and keep these relationships with my friends and I'm desiring something deeper, more consistent, refreshing and just some fun really.
I'm aware that most friendships are seasonal (be it a long or a short season)
I'm aware that there are times when we are meant to be quiet and solitary
I'm aware that I can't have an in depth relationship with everyone
But, in this season, I'm not meant to be quiet and solitary and while I'm here I am going to have that relationship with some, even if they're few.
So to those who I am meant to be close with now but I've been slacking, I'm sorry.
To those whom I was once close with and am not meant to be any more... C'est la vie my friend *sad smile*
To those whom I am yet to meet/develop with, I look forward to it and hopefully I'll be a better friend and a better man by then.
