The art of friendship

Maybe I'm the only person, but of late I've been finding it difficult to manage my relationships.

It's a strange way to start a post since I haven't written one since 2011 :s but *shrugs* ah so it goh! (that's the way it goes).

I feel like I understand the importance of unity and good fellowship (John 17 / Psalm 133 / Proverbs 13:20) but recently that head knowledge hasn't really worked itself out practically in my life.

The thing is, I'm actually surrounded by lots of great people but, to be honest, I've been struggling to break beneath the 'surface' and the practicalities of being part of the church/body of late. 

God has even shown me people that I'm meant to fellowship with more closely in my dreams and yet this hasn't really materialised outside of the dream world.

It's hard to explain because it's not that I don't talk to people, I do. 

It's not that I'm not willing to be transparent; it's a struggle sometimes, but I am.

It's not as though there's no one around who loves me or for whom I have love, there are many.

Yet c'est dificile et frustrating en general. (excuse my Frenglish, this is genuinely how I speak sometimes)

I think some examples will give a clearer understanding of where I'm at. Here are some things that will generally happen or I will generally do:

- See someone at church or just about and say "we need to catch/link up"... this can happen regularly for up to 365 days before said catch/link up occurs and then up to another 365 days can elapse before the follow up. The frustrating thing is that we would both have had a good/refreshing time :s 

- *composes text/tweet/FB message* "You cool bro?/How's it going?" 2-4 text backs later the conversation is done and that proverbial box is ticked. This is frustrating because I know it's pretty dead if you're actually meant to be forming/fueling a 'proper' relationship with someone -_- I annoy myself in doing this but sometimes (transparency) I just can't be bothered to talk to people on the phone and texting is easier and less involved *hangs head in shame*

Even writing this blog I'm seeing how the enemy has been punking me -__- 

Shame would have me delete this post and not display my weakness on the internet but maybe someone else is being punk'd too and needs to read it so I'll allow myself to be uncomfortable. 

#BunShame

Gabriel spoke to us at EOW's last retreat about how, as Christians, we come across obstacles and analyse them, talk about them, complain about them but don't then overcome them. He gave the analogy of running a race and suddenly there's a chair in your lane. If you was serious about this race you would jump over the chair, dive under it, even kick it out of the way but we just stare at it, acknowledge it and allow it to stop us.

This is partially what I've been doing. 

I've been lethargic in being a friend to those whom I consider friends.

"a friend loves at all times and a brother is there for adversity" - Proverbs

I think I have a fresh understanding of this verse. There is a regularity and consistency to friendship that is not necessarily to be found in brotherhood however, a brother is there when needed and in the moment of crisis is faithful. One can be a friend and a brother.

I think I've tried to be a brother but done a poor job of being a friend of late. If someone needs me I try and make myself available and reschedule everything to help that person, I'll take care of what needs to be taken care of and be responsible in that regards but said person probably won't hear from me properly until the next crisis (or birthday or wedding or...)

I guess I'm annoyed with myself for not making the effort to build and keep these relationships with my friends and I'm desiring something deeper, more consistent, refreshing and just some fun really.

I'm aware that most friendships are seasonal (be it a long or a short season)

I'm aware that there are times when we are meant to be quiet and solitary

I'm aware that I can't have an in depth relationship with everyone

But, in this season, I'm not meant to be quiet and solitary and while I'm here I am going to have that relationship with some, even if they're few.

So to those who I am meant to be close with now but I've been slacking, I'm sorry.

To those whom I was once close with and am not meant to be any more... C'est la vie my friend *sad smile*

To those whom I am yet to meet/develop with, I look forward to it and hopefully I'll be a better friend and a better man by then.

Default Position

Hi. 
Yeah it's been ages. 
There's a reason, which I'll maybe explain one day.

So it's cold and I just want to leave uni but I've put off blogging too many times, so here it goes. As the blog in my heart is unfinished, I shall post my past month or so's pondering and past 3 month or so's struggle.

Two words. Default Position.

Do you know what I mean by that? I wouldn't lol. (I'm in a funny mood; you can probably tell)

What I mean is: what is the generic, standard, base, core thing upon which you meditate? What do you think of when you first wake up? What do you ponder on before you slip away into the silky embrace of a good night's sleep? What springs to mind when you finish something taxing, like a day at work or a piece of coursework, and return back to the rest of life?
What is the default thing that you mull over?
The thing that dwells at the center of the universe of your meditations?

That, in my humble opinion, is your default position.
Many would also consider it to be the thing that we worship or allow to be highest in our lives.
Could it be our job or lack of? Possibly our future or rather its uncertainty?
What that woman said to you at church that jarred you? Could it be a ghost from the past that never ceases to haunt you? Maybe even your wife/husband or the girl with whom things aren't official but you've got your unsaid thing going on?

Whatever it is, the reality is that our default position should be God and the things of God if we are Christians. This is not to say that we should never consider those Vans in Office, or wonder why snapbacks, fitted jeans/chinos and high top trainers must die a thousand deaths or meditate on our other half (or lack of). It's just that these things should not be our center. "As a man thinketh in his heart so is he" - Bible.

For a long time I've really wrestled with keeping God on the throne. I haven't fallen into sexual sin or any of those obvious sins. I have simply allowed other things/people to subtly take His place. Preferring their presence to His. Spending more time listening to their words and pondering their opinions than listening to Him and His word. I never stopped praying. I didn't stop reading my Bible. I didn't stop going to church. I just didn't put God first and the arena in which He wasn't preeminent happened to be the arena which determined all of the other arenas within my control. My thoughts.

I'm growing much closer to God once more. I'm still susceptible to a change of default position. Even today problems out of my control attempted to usher Jesus from His position but He's back. I suppose you could call it part of abiding? (John 15). Anyway, enough of my mullings.
Let us flee idolatry. God hates it like He hates the bait sin. If we believe the songs that we sing to be true then lets live that eh? I'm preaching to myself lol.

Grace and Peace

Love and Controversy

I don't normally write twice in two days but I've been thinking about something a lot over the last few days so it's ended up here.

I think as Christians we can often sheg (flop/fall short/fail) in the area of love and criticism and not even realise. Hear me out.

In the past I once grew deeply upset by another believer who had made it their business to judge some next brothers who hadn't done something which the judgemental believer felt that they should have. They then had a massive judgemental rant about these brothers, whose actions had nothing much to do with them.

I felt that the judgemental/critical believer was being ultra hypocritical as I was very familiar with their shortcomings. I then became intensely angry about it. In the end I began ranting to other people about how hypocritical and judgemental that believer was and became as bad as them. The moment when I realised how I myself had gotten entangled in a bad situation was when I was praying with someone about something totally unrelated and then that person was used by the Lord to deal with the unspoken issues of my critical heart. I was told by the Lord to forgive and instead bless the critical person who I had begun to criticise. Peak init?

But the deep thing is that this is basic Christianity! "Love your neighbour", "Love your enemies", "pray for those who despitefully use/persecute you", "take the plank out of your own eye before the speck in your brothers'", "be careful he who thinks he stands lest he should fall", "patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness and self control" and so on.

I've been in the company of a large number of Christians who see or experience something negative in others, criticise them with people who they feel are sympathisers and yet never pray for the person/people. I myself have often been that guy and almost slipped into this today myself; hence the blog.

I'm seeing so much division, bitterness and criticism and so little prayer and love yet these are the basic tools of  someone who is truly saved. That's peak in a lot of ways. All I can say is thank God for His grace!

One example of this that really concerns me is the way that mandem are criticising the way that women are dressing and laying a load of blame on the sisters. There are of course sisters who, in my opinion (and that of my sister), dress innapropriately but so do loads of women these days so we've just gotta deal with it.

Then I'm seeing loads of sisters, who appear to have some serious pent up frustration about this issue, retaliating against these comments, often in an explosive and very public fashion. There is often truth to what is said but I'm just not so sure about the whole thing really. It just doesn't really sit well with me and let me point out that I have never made any comment against the way that Christian women dress in general.

In my opinion there are assumptions made on both sides here and why the heck are there two divided sides in the body of Christ anyway???


I personally think a lot of us are being played by the enemy and in our anger/outrage/defensiveness are making Christians look bad.

Having read some of the aforementioned brand of tweets, I found myself being defensive of the brothers today and feeling that some of the comments I'm seeing are a little bit out of line to be completely honest. Maybe I'm the one making assumptions now? (The lack of tone of voice on the internet is a big issue). My thinking towards some of the sisters was very negative at the time and the Lord simply reminded me of my own message. "But are you praying for them?". BOOM. Shut me right up... even though I wasn't speaking out loud lol.

Can we pray for discernment and not get punk'd by the enemy please?

I think I'm risking my neck a bit here as it seems there's an army of acid tongued women (and probably men too) awaiting me but hey Tasha always told me that I'm a "controversial Christian" and who's got time to live in fear? Not I.

The Savage and the Saint

(I was going to blog about my amazing retreat experience but I'll get into that in the coming days as this is a topic I'm going through right now.)

For a long time I've struggled with a side of myself which I refer to as the "Savage". I say struggled but the word struggle has an element of resistance to it which, I believe, wasn't exhibited.

To put it bluntly, the Savage is my flesh at it's most lustful/sexually charged. It's uprising began when I allowed it to take root in my thoughts at a younger age and it continued as I left it to grow unchecked. The thing is that, over the years, I've been outwardly ruthless and rarely allowed myself into a situation where I could obviously get myself into trouble i.e. a rave or going to link some unsaved girl etc however on some rare occasions there has been a physical manifestation of the inner beast where "friends" were concerned. Let that be a warning to any naive readers.

The thing is, sin in your mind is still sin and still offensive to God and still obstructive to your relationship with Him, your ability to hear from the Holy Spirit and to generally staying in God's will. It also opens doors for the enemy in your life but that's another blog for another time.

Because I left this unseen area unchecked for such a long time it grew into a giant inside me. I developed habits of unconsciously scoping out my surroundings for females of all colours and creeds. I could get on a bus and know the position, rough age and suitability of every girl on the top and bottom deck and this would be casj (simple/easy/normal/casual). It's a bit like being inside a wildlife documentary following a leopard or something (no exaggeration) except some wildebeest are happy and willing to be consumed.

Sometimes, even in fellowship situations, I have to really check my motives and hold my thoughts captive to Christ after all being blase about this is what led to me being in this situation in the first place.

From the end of last year God has been calling me to a place of surrender and He has really done a lot of renovation in my life. This however, is not an area that has been so easily stripped away. In all honesty killing these bad habits and dying daily in this area has been very difficult. Driving in these hot conditions has been tense at times and not because I couldn't wind down the window lol. I'm aware that in my own strength I won't be able to deal with the issue and I am only "more than a conqueror" through Christ. I think I'll have to spend some more deliberate time in fasting so as to beat it. I'm also aware that I'm never going to stop noticing attractive women and that it's never going to be easy being a man of standard in a sinful and provocative world but I know that there is definitely some self slaying to do in this area.

It's just been a big fat hindrance really. I've felt and still feel that I can't pursue any serious, Godly, relationship with a girl because it's something I'm unwilling to bring into a relationship yet something I've, until recently, been unwilling to deal with. I just want to keep my eyes and mind in check for my Lord and saviour before I do it for a woman. Maybe I'm being rash or unwise but I don't think I am. I know there is always the danger of wanting to be a "perfect" man before meeting your woman when really it's working and living with that woman that the Lord uses to, sometimes painfully, mould you into that man. (mandem some of us are on an over spiritualised long ting, myself included).

Anyway I'm rambling. I thought I'd share that because I don't want sisters to be naive about the wickedness of some men's flesh and possibly be more sympathetic to some of our secret struggles. (I do stress the some as I have dons who aren't a savage like I can sometimes be). I also wanted to let any other brothers who are going through anything similar know that they're not alone. Finally I'd like to share it now so that when this savage is slain through the power of the blood of Jesus all will be able to see how God has worked in my life to cleanse me inside and out.

I'd like to end with this final encouragement: Let's not settle for second best as I have often done and even did at times today (Yes I'm talking to myself as well). Paul said to the sinful Corinthian church "are you not carnal and behaving like mere men?". Let's not be just normal/mere men and women, let's not settle for the worlds standards in the areas seen or unseen. Let's be the supermen and super women that God has called us to be!... I think I just rambled my way into another blog lol... Grace and Peace!

This Moment

I was sitting in church today and a thought occurred to me. This thought might seem a tad obvious but it is something which is easy to overlook.

The essence of my musings was simply this: we shouldn't waste life constantly looking forward to the next thing/achievement and never enjoying what we have now. Our joy as Christians should not be based on our circumstances but on our relationship with God. In His presence "there is fullness of joy", regardless of whether we are unemployed, studying, in a top job, married, single... You get the gist.

If we choose to be personal with God and take time to savour the moment then there is joy and, no matter how bleak life can be, there is always joy if we are walking in Christ. 

Some of us have no reason to not savour the moment and this is where I'm talking to myself as I am guilty of always planning and looking forward to the next thing/milestone. If I were to do this all the time then my life would never have the abundance that God intended for it.

I thought that Matt 6 would be appropriate for this topic:
"do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about it's own things." - Jesus 

The other element to my musings, which I now realise I didn't tell you existed lol, was about being focused on self all the time. My Pastor spoke about this once and it really came alive for me today. 

If we focus upon ourselves then we usually see flaws/areas that need improvement which can lead to our mind being partially or totally consumed by these things. A prime example of this today was when I was ironing my tee this morning. I took a brief moment to look out of the window at the breeze blowing the trees and admire the fact that God created that wind that we can't see. I then noticed myself in the mirror and began thinking of how much work I need to put in at the gym...
-_- 

Soo easily distracted by self! It's just that though isn't it? We focus on ourselves, our feelings and our situations so much that we can miss the glory of God on display all around us. I was very content in that moment in front of the window, not so much when I stood in front of the mirror lol.

There is so much more than ourselves to which we can devote our attention. People in need, our walk with God, friends and family etc. The Western, self absorbed, attitude is not healthy and as a people I believe that we would be far more content if we were to simply take some of that emphasis off of ourselves a little more often. 

Just thought I'd share those thoughts anyway.

Grace and Peace

The Call (part 1)

I haven't blogged in a hot minute.
A lot has happened within that very hot minute.

LEGOO (Let's Go)

2011 oh what a year it's been thus far! You know when God has called you to really dig in and you really haven't for whatever reason? You know when God brings this about for you because you're on a long ting and there is work to be done? lol. #YeahThat

I've realllllyyyyy been pondering upon the core of Christianity. The heart of God. The things that really matter in this existence. It's been a mindblowing time. A life changing time. A very serious time and I'd like to share some of that.

First of all, God showed me how unserious I was being. If you read Matthew 7:21 you'll see that not everyone who thinks that they're saved is actually saved and that many are on their way to hell, totally oblivious. In fact the Bible makes it clear that more are deceived than are saved. This is probably the peakest/deepest thing I have ever pondered, yet in the past I have merely acknowledged and skipped over it. But why?

I believe it was because, whether I realised it or not, I was measuring myself against a standard that was not God's standard. You see what God has revealed to me is just how much He is about the heart of man and how much He is about relationship with Himself. God desires a clean heart and pure hands and the the first one leads to the latter. He holds things like forgiveness, judging, anger etc in such a high regard and we (well I) skim over them. When you go to a church where people aren't really that on fire for God and you live in a world full of general lukewarmness it is easy to slip into measuring yourself against these other believers. When you are one of the faithful few, when you are the one with your hands up in worship whilst others are shy, when you are the one that can finish the Bible quotes ("He who finds a wife finds a?.."), when you go to Bible study and the occassional prayer meeting, when you do all of this Christian stuff that other Christians often don't do you can lose focus of the standard and the whole point of why we are here. We are here for the glory of the Lord and to live in relationship with Him. That is why Christ died! In the words of one brother "the dead truth is that this is a life for a life exchange" (Christs for ours).

Anyone can go to church on time, anyone can go to Bible study and take notes, anyone can carry a speaker up some stairs at 9.30am, anyone can lift up their hands in a worship service and sing loudly whilst their mind is elsewhere because they're just singing and not praising cos they're not in a deep relationship with God so their heart is empty, anyone can quote Bible scriptures and call people "Bro" and "Sis" and smile in the presence of all of these generally bubbly people. People from all different religions manage to not have sex outside of marriage, not splash their money on foolishness, not watch secular programmes or listen to secular music etc.
What is the core of this thing? What is the difference between a "good" Atheist, a "good" Muslim and a Christian? Well that is a blog topic by itself lol. But relationship with God is essential. Do we really know Him? In Matthew 7 Jesus says to an unsaved Christian "depart from me, you who work in iniquity for I never knew you". Deep. Can we sit down and argue with eachother about different doctrines and put other people and other churches down because we've labelled them "UnBiblical" meanwhile our own hearts and lives are unbiblical and we don't even realise?!?!?! Can we live lukewarm lives when we are called to be so radically changed and set apart from unbelievers that we are like aliens among them? (It's Biblical).

It's so serious because I've been that guy! "What? Your church believes in tithes and tries to make you feel bad about not giving 10%? Naa that's not Biblical" *proceeds to offend and upset said "Brother" with an unloving spirit and badly disguised judgement/self righteousness*. What the hell is that? It's in the name of Christ but Christ would have nothing to do with it! Yet it's spawned out of hours of Bible study done without the love of God and the guidance of the Holy Spirit. Newsflash! You can read your Bible for hours a day, go to Bible college, study deep theology and not know God and go to hell having told saved believers whose understanding is slightly flawed that they were "dodgy" or not "sound". It's SO serious!

The Bible says to "work out your salvation with fear and trembling". I have truly trembled this year and you know what? I'm really glad that I did. I now know the meaning of that scripture and the seriousness of the need to do it.

We are called to be men and women of God, who walk in relationship with Him. What is the greatest commandment? "To love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all you soul, with all your mind and with all your strength" and the second greatest commandment is like unto it "Love your neighbour as yourself".
Do we really know how deep that is? I don't even think I do to be honest! It's craaazzzyyy. I could have reeled that scripture off to you casually for the last 5 years and only in the last two months have I really actually begun to understand it. Love God. It's a command. It's not optional. It's the greatest command. The Lord God almighty desires relationship with us and look at what He did to achieve that! 

The most important thing is not to carry speakers early in the morning, or hand out tracts, or delete all of your secular music or dress modestly or any of that stuff. When we truly seek God and enter into relationship with Him these things iron themselves out of their own accord because we have spent time in the presence of God and cannot casually delve back into that stuff that is in the "grey area". When we love God and seek Him we don't want to cling to them anymore. 

Sins that I have struggled with and mental idols that I have clung onto for years have been smashed and cast down, some almost over night because my heart was for God and my desire was relationship with Him. To know Him and to glorify His name. God has used me more in the start of 2011 then he did in the whole of 2010 because I have gone to a new level of surrender (another blog topic) and because I have sought to know Him and been in tune with Him and the Holy Spirit. 

My whole thought life has been transformed as has my prayer life. It's so easy to be sucked into things that are not necessarily bad but at the same time are not condusive to the glory of God i.e. work, college, uni, relationships, clothes, school, social networking, cars etc. These things easily consume our mind but it is actually beautiful to just walk down the street and talk to God and feel His presence and know that He is with you and smile while all of this meaningless chaos goes on around you. 


It's actually beautiful.

I think I have too much to say lol. I'll leave it there. It's been broken, abrupt and the opposite of eloquent but it's my life, it's my walk with God and it's me growing, ranting and learning.



God Bless you and may you work out your salvation!

Excellence

There was a time when I was really big on excellence. It's something that my Pastor talks about a lot you see and it's an attitude/way of life that is totally necessary if we are ever going to reflect Christ in our lives.

For any reading this who may be less versed in church speak.
Excellence / a spirit of excellence is a term for doing things to the best of ones ability and "going the extra mile".

I was first confronted by God's desire for me to manifest excellence in my life when I began working and I would attempt to cut corners, only to experience, erm, I suppose a sense of wrong doing in not doing things to the best of my ability as I would if, say, the area manager was watching me. An example was when I was in the stock room and there wern't many orders so I would be on the phone, reading the paper, drinking hot chocolate, revising for A-levels etc. The Lord convicted me anyway and I started finding work related things to do, even though nobody would see, but God sees init! As a brudda from work put it, "we don't need no (work) supervisor, we've always got a (eternal) supervisor". One of my workmates did notice though :).

So this attitude then began to spread throughout much of my life and I'm not gonna lie, it jarred my flesh quite a bit lol. I couldn't leave dishes to "soak" any more, no more 95% doing things, I had to be on time to Church and not 5,10,35 etc minutes late. The list goes on.

Recently, I feel that I've let this slip in some areas, specifically punctuality in regards to university. Getting out of bed for 9am lectures has never been such a struggle as in 2011. I've missed soo many lectures and I've been late to even more and it's not cool. It began when I believed I wouldn't be continuing my studies in Jan 2011 and so I became lax from then. This was clearly the enemy (crafty bugger) and now I'm in a war to get my excellence game back on!

I've been losing the war so far, I won't lie.

Time to get the big guns out! Time to become accountable!

But to whom?