(I was going to blog about my amazing retreat experience but I'll get into that in the coming days as this is a topic I'm going through right now.)
For a long time I've struggled with a side of myself which I refer to as the "Savage". I say struggled but the word struggle has an element of resistance to it which, I believe, wasn't exhibited.
To put it bluntly, the Savage is my flesh at it's most lustful/sexually charged. It's uprising began when I allowed it to take root in my thoughts at a younger age and it continued as I left it to grow unchecked. The thing is that, over the years, I've been outwardly ruthless and rarely allowed myself into a situation where I could obviously get myself into trouble i.e. a rave or going to link some unsaved girl etc however on some rare occasions there has been a physical manifestation of the inner beast where "friends" were concerned. Let that be a warning to any naive readers.
The thing is, sin in your mind is still sin and still offensive to God and still obstructive to your relationship with Him, your ability to hear from the Holy Spirit and to generally staying in God's will. It also opens doors for the enemy in your life but that's another blog for another time.
Because I left this unseen area unchecked for such a long time it grew into a giant inside me. I developed habits of unconsciously scoping out my surroundings for females of all colours and creeds. I could get on a bus and know the position, rough age and suitability of every girl on the top and bottom deck and this would be casj (simple/easy/normal/casual). It's a bit like being inside a wildlife documentary following a leopard or something (no exaggeration) except some wildebeest are happy and willing to be consumed.
Sometimes, even in fellowship situations, I have to really check my motives and hold my thoughts captive to Christ after all being blase about this is what led to me being in this situation in the first place.
From the end of last year God has been calling me to a place of surrender and He has really done a lot of renovation in my life. This however, is not an area that has been so easily stripped away. In all honesty killing these bad habits and dying daily in this area has been very difficult. Driving in these hot conditions has been tense at times and not because I couldn't wind down the window lol. I'm aware that in my own strength I won't be able to deal with the issue and I am only "more than a conqueror" through Christ. I think I'll have to spend some more deliberate time in fasting so as to beat it. I'm also aware that I'm never going to stop noticing attractive women and that it's never going to be easy being a man of standard in a sinful and provocative world but I know that there is definitely some self slaying to do in this area.
It's just been a big fat hindrance really. I've felt and still feel that I can't pursue any serious, Godly, relationship with a girl because it's something I'm unwilling to bring into a relationship yet something I've, until recently, been unwilling to deal with. I just want to keep my eyes and mind in check for my Lord and saviour before I do it for a woman. Maybe I'm being rash or unwise but I don't think I am. I know there is always the danger of wanting to be a "perfect" man before meeting your woman when really it's working and living with that woman that the Lord uses to, sometimes painfully, mould you into that man. (mandem some of us are on an over spiritualised long ting, myself included).
Anyway I'm rambling. I thought I'd share that because I don't want sisters to be naive about the wickedness of some men's flesh and possibly be more sympathetic to some of our secret struggles. (I do stress the some as I have dons who aren't a savage like I can sometimes be). I also wanted to let any other brothers who are going through anything similar know that they're not alone. Finally I'd like to share it now so that when this savage is slain through the power of the blood of Jesus all will be able to see how God has worked in my life to cleanse me inside and out.
I'd like to end with this final encouragement: Let's not settle for second best as I have often done and even did at times today (Yes I'm talking to myself as well). Paul said to the sinful Corinthian church "are you not carnal and behaving like mere men?". Let's not be just normal/mere men and women, let's not settle for the worlds standards in the areas seen or unseen. Let's be the supermen and super women that God has called us to be!... I think I just rambled my way into another blog lol... Grace and Peace!
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